Weekly Wind Up - 19th August to 25th August

Hello and welcome to Jehan's Weekly Wind Up, the 4th instalment of some ramblings I produce in a few hours, fail to proof read, and then publish for the public humiliation of my soul. In this week's edition we talk, mostly about the same things as every other week, EU, Trump, Corporations being Corporations. If you don't like what you read, maybe it's you, have a look at yourself in the mirror.

Monday 19th August

Monday brought the devastating news that the UK was to end it’s freedom of movement within the EU, well at least some call it news, others call it an obvious account given that we chose to leave the EU. Startling stuff. In all fairness, despite the obvious, this is just an update on when freedom of movement will end. If we are to leave with a no deal it means freedom of movement will end on the 31st October, rather than until we actually know how to deal with millions of EU nationals who now call the UK home. 

This Halloween may actually be one of the most frightening, a no deal Brexit, another recession, millions of EU nationals roaming the streets asking for biometric residents cards, £6 visas to visit France and stock up on cheap booze and croissants. There’s one house which I am sure will be getting tricks, no. 10, they’ll certainly not be giving out any treats, 1. Because they’re nasty folk, 2. Because of the price inflation of overseas manufactured sweets. It’s alright though kids, they’ll be adequate sweet supply after Brexit, better get stocking up on those Worthers Originals. 

It would have been nice to have the option to retire abroad, as the last time I used my freedom of movement was on an inter-railing trip when I was 18, it wasn’t really used to see the culture differentiations, as €30 a day would only get you ample accommodation, 1 salami sandwich and cheap Slovakian 9% lager. Although I suppose I shouldn’t worry about retiring abroad, because after the age for retirement has been raised to 75, no doubt being even higher when I age, I won’t retire at all, maybe I could buy a graveyard plot in Spain, the least I could do is be buried there maybe. 

So long freedom of movement, and thanks for all the EU regulated fish. 

Tuesday 20th August 

With great power comes great responsibility, maybe somebody should remind Disney and Sony of this. Marvel fans woke up on Tuesday to the horrifying news that Spiderman would no longer be part of the MCU, Marvel Corporation Udder, the cash cow that is being squeezed for all its worth. Now in a detrimental act against it’s fans, both Disney, owners of the MCU, and Sony, owners of the cinematic rights to Spiderman, have shot their webs in opposite directions. Mainly due to the fact Disney wanted to go 50-50 on the future production and therefore future profits, Mickey Mouse take off your disguise you fat capitalist Mickey Pig, but the have pretty much stated that:

“Sony’s, current, Spiderman would be nothing without us. Look how Toby Macquire and Garfield the Cat went for you”

Sony are well within their, legal, rights to tell Disney to Foxtrot Oscar as Spiderman: Homecoming was their highest grossing film, surpassing James Bond’s Skyfall, now the only thing that’s falling is their popularity, as they have not come out of this very well with fans. But I’m with Stan Lee’s daughter when it comes to the ownership of Marvel:

“Whether it’s Sony or someone else’s, the continued evolution of Stan’s characters and his legacy deserve multiple points of view, Disney and Marvel have commoditised father’s work and never shown him or his legacy any respect or decency, in the end, no one could have treated my father worse than Marvel and Disney’s executives.”

If you want any reference on where I stand on Disney, please watch the South Park episode ’The Ring’. Disney constantly use this family-friendly disguise to hide their primary motive in their existence, profit. While it succeeds, they’ll milk that cow, but soon, people will grow tired of the saturated market of superhero films, just like they did with western’s and the true art of Marvel’s comics, and its talent to re-invent itself, will fall by the wayside. Ironically, in my opinion, the best superhero movie is actually Sony’s ‘Into the Spiderverse’, a completely different take on how to cinematically portray a comic, it’s animation is unbelievable and utterly unique, Disney would have made it look like another Pixar, yes they own that too, Toy Story animation, they probably wouldn’t have even bothered, because that wasn’t what people wanted, there wouldn’t be any profit there. I’d write a list of what Disney own, but it’s easier to write one about what they don’t own:

• Tolkien
• Harry Potter
• Non-profit morality
• Freedom of Movement
• Our minds (yet)
• Spiderman

Everything else is Disney.

Wednesday 21st August

Amazon is burning? Jeff Bezos’s’s’s company is finally coming to an end after completely obliterating the retail industry, creating the monthly subscription capitalist scramble, and employing courier drivers on 0 hour contracts having to supply their own vehicles/fuel while paying them the minimum wage for 100+ deliveries per day. Unfortunately this was the news that for the past 3 weeks the Amazon Rainforest has been burning, and we only just found out about it, what does this tell you about instantaneous nature social media, we can find out all we want to know about our neighbours within minutes, but it takes us 3 weeks to find out about a momentous man-made disaster, its alright though because for the last 3 weeks I’ve seen nothing but adverts for the new Simba mattress, which is obviously more important. 

But the big news on this story was that climate change wasn’t even at fault, 

“but Chris, surely we humans wouldn’t have set fire to the forest that provides 20% of the world’s oxygen.” 

Enter Jair Bolsonaro, Brazil's far-right Presidiente, those pesky far-right leaders always getting into mischief, starting wars, manufacturing genocide and now giving the earth COPD, and people question why I lean to the left. The main reason for the deforestation, which had been in decline for the last decade before Jair showed up, is for animal agriculture, and as we all know cow farts are the leading cause of green house gases. So essentially we’re being told we’re all accountable, which is true to some extent, that Big Mac is the equivalent of 1 tree so enjoy it tubby. But you have to argue that most accountability must come from the corporations, it’s their responsibility as moral businesses to tell us to stop, morality, that old word again. We are the children in need of parental discipline, at the moment they’re letting us have our tantrum, they need to give us a firm hand across the buttocks and tell us “bad, bad.” It’s clear now as individuals we can’t really be trusted, so reduce our access to the instantaneous nature of modern capitalism, bring back rationing? Well when we leave the EU that probably won’t be a choice anymore. 

There will be adequate amounts of food.

Thursday 22nd August

Did Trump really just look up at the Sky and call himself “The Chosen One”. 

Just when you thought his presidency couldn’t get any weirder, he likens himself to the new messiah when talking about trade with China. On the same day he claims that Jewish Israelis love him and call him the “King of Israel and the second coming of God”. Is anyone else living in the same reality as me? I know they just said they are making a 4th Matrix film, have I been cast in it already, please science tell me it is so. IF this is reality, can somebody explain why this man is still ahead in the popularity polls in the US, he must be doing a sterling job domestically, because the news I keep getting is entirely devoid of any logic or sense. He has likened himself to a messiah, if God does exist, if this is his second coming, than I really can’t wait to go to hell, maybe it will be full of left wing people holding hands and talking about emotions, but that sounds a far better alternative to a heaven full of Trump supporters. Can we test his claims, can we drop him in the middle of the ocean and tell him to walk on the water back to land, can we give him 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread to feed the 2.6 billion Chinese and Indian people on the earth, can we give him his last supper now? I mean if Jesus was anything like Trump, no wonder the Romans crucified the guy, if only they were still about, we would have an end to the question on “what did the Romans ever do for us?” They crucified Trump, fair enough.

Friday 23rd August

“I wear my vagina scent as perfume on nights out - and men come flocking.” 

You…wha…but why…how…just…huh. Sexologist, yes that title exists, Shan Boodram claims her, I’ll use the same words, ‘vagina juice’ is her ‘signature scent’ for her nights out and any length of pampering routine wouldn’t be complete without her natural perfume. Is it finally socially acceptable for me to start wearing my cock cheese on my neck then? Honestly I don’t think it’s your scent Shan, I’ve seen some desperate men on nights out before who I’m sure are so full of ethanol that they’ve lost the ability to smell, they probably won’t notice your wearing your…vagina juice…until they wake up the next day and see part of your vaginal walls stretched across your neck. She is a sexologist though and uses science to prove her theory, she got 3 of her clients, too trusting I think, to wear coplulins - the chemicals secreted by the vagina -  on their collarbones and neck then shoved them in the middle of a busy bar to see what animals they could attract. Halfway through the night she then got them to add more on: 

“I instructed them to wash their hands, get in a stall and then move their finger around there vaginal opening. The goal was to get a sample from the Bartholin’s glands, which are the size of a pea but play a larger role in vaginal lubrication.”

She asked them to get a “good amount of wetness” on them to ensure perfect results. One of the clients, if you can call them that, complained that it felt, I shit you not … 

“sticky”

Well I’m sure we’d all love to know how the results went…the maniacs, sorry clients, reported that the felt they had no difference in the ability to pick up men before for after the vaginal juice was applied. Brilliant. Well ladies if you didn’t need reminding, vaginal juice doesn’t provide better sexual results as wearing anything else does. 

Now if you don’t mind me I’m going to stay off the Internet for awhile.

Saturday 24th August

If you said nothing happened on Saturday Chris, I would have believed you, after spending the time in Brighton I managed to blur the day out of my life. But I know this doesn’t make good reading, even if it would be easier for me to write. As I am sure you are aware the Amazon story caught like wild fire, ayyyyyy, and continued for a few days. On Saturday Le French President he will block EU trade with Brazil over the fires, pretty good move by all accounts, look at France finally finding their balls if only the could have blocked the Nazis in 1939-1945. However yes a very good move by Macron, it’s good to see somebody acting on the will of their people, what about you Boris will we stop trade when we leave the EU too? Boris? Boris….where are you? He’s probably off trying to get a deal with anyone at this stage, no doubt all our supermarkets will be stocked with Brazilian beef this time next year. I’m a little harsh on Boris here, he did make a statement but without certainty of punishing Brazil:

“I passionately share the view of Emmanuel Macron, and one of the things I am going to be raising at the G7 is the horrific loss of habitats and species around the world.” 

G7 sounds like a Hip Hop group, I’m half expecting a Johnson/Macron diss track on Jair Bolsonaro:

“You set fire to the Amazon,
We set fire to our tracks son,
You went about with deforestation,
We went about with economic destabilisations,
You claim it’s for animal agriculture,
Why aren't we focusing on Macron looking like a vulture”

He does look like a bird of prey.

Sunday 25th August

Sunday saw me fail at keeping to my own deadlines, my actions on Saturday made it very difficult to find any humour in anything as my mind was entirely focused on surviving the day without dying, so the blog has been released a day late. I’ll focus on the unbelievable achievement in the cricket world, specifically Ben Stokes and his batting prowess. Ben has been in and out of the newspapers with his actions botham on and off the field. He’s made cricket seem slightly interesting in the last few years, now I don’t follow cricket that much, I do pay attention to the scores just because I’m a very sad person, but at least I don’t watch it, let alone listen to it on the radio, yes that’s a thing. Ben Stokes, cricket’s Ed Sheeran, hit 135 not out to level the ashes series as he dragged England through a record run chase of 359, if you don’t follow cricket, that’s a big number. He did something similar to win them the World Cup last month, so he’s a sure bet for Sports Personality of the year. He was recently found not guilty of affray after a brawl outside a club in Bristol, so he has been on shaky ground for the last couple of years, so this may feel like redemption to him. For non-cricket fans it’s just Sunday. Well done to England Cricket, for managing to score level with Australia, who were without their talisman, as well as for not screwing up after getting 67 all out in the 1st innings. If you don’t follow cricket, that’s not a big number, not a big number at all.