Quaranti...Freedom Blog

 

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” Charlotte Bronte 

And just like that he’s out. The obnoxious, unbearable, belligerent, patronising, self-centered, arrogant, callous, inconsiderate, hostile, domineering, deceitful, dogmatic, intolerant, obstinate, tactless, irresponsible, finicky, vulgar, Troglodyte is out of the house. And not just me, Donald Trump too. 20th January 2021, a day of freedom. Donald Trump may have blasted “My Way” by Frank Sinatra as he left the White House, but many other criminals also did things their way too, so don’t start flexing too soon Donald. As a new hope dawns on the USA, it sent ripples of hope across the world, yet a few ripples of hope extended beyond the walls of the Earlswood House too on this day, our Independence Day!

Our day’s journey starts where all things must, at the beginning. Today’s the day, the sun is shining, the tank is clean and we are getting out of h…the tank is clean…THE TANK IS CLEAN!!!! The day of our testing had arrived. We only had one appointment in 2 weeks and, of course, we were late by 3 minutes. We forgot to take into account the slow drivers of Guernsey, for there are many of them. We arrived at the infamous Queen Elizabeth Hospital and now understood what they meant by follow the rainbow. You’re greeted by a large painted rainbow on the front of the building, large is underplaying it, it’s gigantic. We had driven from our abode in the Vale and drove through 3 parishes to get to the Hospital, for UK readers a parish is like a county, except on a vastly smaller scale. It was the first time we left our house in 13 days, and god damn was it good to see different things. We could have been forgiven into believing we were still in the UK before we got to see the sights, as its almost no different to how we were living anyway, except for the 1/2 exercises a day that is allowed in the UK.

We drove with the 5 of us stuffed into a car that had been left for us the day before, for the entirety of our day trip we had our masks on. I felt like an astronaut returning to earth, seeing people outside, without masks interacting with one another, nobody working away at a computer at home as we passed windows of all the little bungalows, recognising people on the streets as we went along. Once again ‘normal’ life was just as fascinating, as it was alien. As we got to the hospital we drove passed the rainbow and into Car Park C, where our testing chamber awaited us. It was a tent in a car park with cones everywhere, I just wanted to make it sound more dramatic. The first person we met guided us to the queue we would need to enter. It was raining and he looked a bit sodden, in his deep Scottish accent he asked: 

“You all here to be tested?” 

“Yes.” We unanimously answered

“Very well, Queue 2 please”

It’s quite ironic that the first person we were in contact with in Guernsey was a scotsman. 

There’s been a lot of talk in Guernsey recently about Guernsey getting its very first fast food drive through, but this testing gazebo was technically its first drive through I suppose, except instead of us taking food away, Mr Doctor Man was about to take this mornings toast from the back of my throat. When it was our turn to clutch control forward, we squeezed into the space provided. The tent was big enough for 2 cars at a time, but having 5 of us, the next lot would be waiting their turn for awhile, or so we thought. Unfortunately the car next to us broke down in the tent, so there was going to be a potential hold up. Mr Doctor Man was suited and booted in plastic, mask, visor, he was replacing gloves as each car pulled into the tent, and he was sanitising hands each time. He asked us our names. We obliged. He went to collect separate envelopes for us, each having our individual names and he placed on the dashboard of our car. But first ensuring he had the correct name of each participant and date of birth. I did have to pay particular attention here, as we had been made aware via Public Health Pete, that there was another Christopher Jehan isolating. What are the chances?! There’s 2, maybe 3 at a push, of us in the world and we were isolating here, in Guernsey, at the same time. By the way, I’m Chris Jehan 21/03/93, in case he tries to steal my thunder. I joke, I’m sure he’s a nice guy, he already has one hell of a name. 

My brother was in the front with myself and we would be tested while in the car, the back 3 would then individually get out of the car and do a kind of test carousel around the vehicle, exiting via stage left and reappearing stage right. I was first, I would be the bench mark for gagging olympics. There was some safety in having a qualified worker test us rather than do a self-test, like we did at the airport. We spoke all week about whether we think we did our test right, if we got far enough down our throat or up into our brain. Now the accountability fell on Mr Doctor Man. And he made no mistake, he went so far in that he tickled my kidneys. But, and this is a big pandemic flex, no gagging from Mr C Jehan here. Now the next unexpected violation of my face was the nostril swab. When we did our self test, we were instructed to go up our nostril and rotate 6 times. Mr Doctor Man told us he was going down rather than up. At first I was confused, there’s only one way up the nose...isn’t there…Ladies and Gentlemen…there is a way down. It was a discomfort I have never felt before and I can still feel it. For all the Mr Doctor Mans’s encouragements, I was in trauma. I may have set the benchmark for the others, but boy were they now all aware of the discomfort to come. If you’ve had this test, you will know what I mean when I say, my nostril cavity has never felt more stretched. One by one, I watched as the others were visibly traumatised by the nose test, we knew for sure that the test had definitely been done correctly this time. 

A big shout out to Mr Doctor Man, he was very kind, very encouraging, we didn’t see his face or get his name, but we all agreed he had welcoming eyes. I’ve also assumed he was Doctor Man, he could have been a Hospital Porter for all we know, but whoever and whatever you are, you are a hero. Also kudos to all the frontline workers here in Guernsey, a lot of the locals would be forgiven into thinking the effects of the pandemic weren’t being felt here now, except for various posters and hand sanitising stations plotted about, but these selfless workers are keeping everybody safe by putting their own health on the line. You have our thanks.

And that was it, 10 minutes, swab in, swab out. “Now get out of my tent!” We had to go back to Earlswood until our test results came through. Just like that, our only freedom from isolation for the day had disappeared, a car ride to and from the hospital…..or so we thought. 

“Waves come with messages from the sea; they touch the shore with their sublimity. Leaves fall with messages from the trees; they fall on the ground with their magic. Nature sends us the most beautiful messages. We just need to understand the language of the waves and the leaves.” Avijeet Das

Picture the scene, its 6pm, we’ve decided on having the lentil curry from Gusto this evening, the home workers are finishing up, I’m getting ready to watch yet another average football game on the big tv. It’s been a mere 6 hours since our test. As i’m scrolling through the masses of fan mail on my phone, a message takes over my eyesight…

“Msg from SoG. Dear Christopher. Sample Received 20/01/2020. Your coronavirus test result is NEGATIVE. It is your responsibility to check if you need to continue self-isolating. Please go to (link I can’t be bothered to type) for guidance or email (test results email)”

One by one, we each got it, NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE. No waiting for anybody this time. We frantically checked if we could now leave, did we have to wait until tomorrow. We read and re-read the terms. The letters we were given earlier by Mr Doctor Man were from Dr Nicola Brink, Director of Public Health/Medical Officer of Health:

“On receipt of a negative test result from your day 13 test, you are free to leave self-isolation.” 

We could leave as soon as we had our negative test results even before completing the 14 day self isolation period. 

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!! Cue William Wallis.

Cue Facebook status, obviously. Cue happiness. Cue song. Cue cheer. Cue…pub. Well we had to didn’t we. A swift pint of Guinness and back to Earlswood for dinner. We decided, in some form of Stockholm syndrome moment, to stay another night anyway as none of us were actually prepared to leave on day 13. We had become institutionalised to our isolation cell. We certainly weren’t prepared for a 6 hour turnaround from test to result. We had to clean, pack, mentally prepare for civilisation and not the computer game this time.

I’m sat writing this blog from the comfort of my mother’s comfy chair, in my childhood home, I feel 16 again. Just got to wait for everybody to finish work. I’ve booked my first professional haircut in over 13 months, I’ve planned to meet some old friends for a swim and a ‘chirp’ on Friday morning, and my brother gets to actually celebrate his 30th on this beautiful and bodacious island. However most importantly, we also now have the confirmed privilege to say goodbye to our Grandfather on Wednesday, I also have the liberty to speak at his funeral and give an appreciation/homage to one of my all time heroes. For this I once again thank the States of Guernsey, Public Health, the key workers, my mate Gavin St Pier, Dr Nicola Brink, but not forgetting all the fine Guerns who inhabit this island, for the sacrifices you have endured to get to this point in a global pandemic. You get a sanitised high five, you get a sanitised high five, you all get sanitised high fives. I’m wearing my authentic Guernsey jumper in tribute to you all today.

This is the last blog in the series, so thank you all for reading. The 1st blog has now reached just short of 3000 people, and every other blog has reached 200-400 or so of you. Thank you for coming back, I have no idea why you have continued to listen to me. But you certainly kept me from insanity. But for now, I’m taking a few days to just enjoy the delights this island has to offer, you’ll see me in the Cock and Bull full of cheer, happiness and pints of Breda…it’s brewed yur eh.

Now if you excuse me, I’m going for a walk outside, I hope I bump into some dogs on the way, that would just make this day even better.