Weekly Wind Up - 12th August to 18th August
Hello and welcome to Jehan's Weekly Wind Up, a weekly satirical blog about each days top/most interesting story. This is the third instalment, and you should be aware now this is no trilogy, this is a franchise, eclipsed only by the Marvel Cinematic Universe. They may make a little more money than I do, but I sure as hell won't recast Chris Evans as a different character in my universe. Get your safety glasses on, leave your inhibition's on the dining table for 5 minutes, and enjoy this senseless ventilation from an illogical self-confident writer.
On Monday British political parasite Nigel Farage claimed that Prince Harry's popularity had "fallen off a cliff since marrying Megan Markle". Because Nigel Farage is such a celebrated figure in British popular culture, if anything should be falling off a cliff, it should be him. I call him a parasite because he wormed his way into British politics with his UKIP infestation, leaching off the right wing xenophobes in the country to create an anti-immigration campaign around Brexit, then self-glorified himself as the vanquisher of the EU. We thought we had cured ourselves of him after his poor showing at the general election, but then the rash returned worse than ever in the form of The Brexit Party and now we have been diagnosed with a serious case of nigelia-fargaritus. Unfortunately there is no cure, we'll just have to settle as a country to drag our arse along the carpet away from the EU with no deal in tow.
Now in a spell to keep himself relevant he has remarked, with racist undertones, that Prince Harry has lost popularity after marrying Meghan Markle, all based on their decision to only keep to having 2 children in a stance against climate change. He gives Prince Harry the king of backhanded compliments by mentioning that Harry was the most popular royal of a younger generation in 100 years, then going on the insult his wife of just over a year, as well as their brave and sensible decision to only create life to replace themselves on the earth, which would influence the same decision among thousands in the world who look up to the Royals for guidance. I realise the hypocrisy of my views as I am a 3rd child in my immediate family but Nigel, then goes on to discuss something that I actually agree with. Yeah I said it, I agree with Nigel on something:
No flights in or out of Hong Kong on Tuesday, surely we Brits weren't involved in this one? Well...technically...yes. Cue historical discomfort. This was the news that after weeks of protest and unrest in Hong Kong, the airport shut it doors. To recognise why is to understand the reason for the unrest. Which is where Britain comes in.
You remember that colonialism stuff, yeah it reached Hong Kong back in the day. But since giving it back we've actually been a bit more sensible with this one, if you can count any form of colonialism as rational, but only if you're pro-democracy. If you prefer the one-party rule stuff, than ok, bit creepy, but whatever floats your boat, ironically the only way to get out of Hong Kong at this time too. In 1984 Britain agreed with the Chinese that Hong Kong would return to China, how nice of us, however Hong Kong would still be able to keep a high degree of autonomy, with exception to foreign and defence affairs for 50 years, clever of us? In a win-win situation we look like the good guys by taking the population's freedoms into consideration, all the while being able to utilise Hong Kong's manufacturing prowess without having to deal with the People's Republic of China. The People's Republic of China, one of the most ironic names ever to exist.
The protests themselves have been over the slowly declining standards that the locals are seeing, and the meddling Chinese government in Hong Kong. Worth noting people in Hong Kong don't refer to themselves as Chinese, a lot like Cornish people believing they aren't English (see Cornish Independence Movement of 2004). I don't know what they refer to themselves as if not Chinese, Hong Kongolese? Moreover what's Hong Kong's proof of this? 5 Hong Kong anti-Chinese Authors and a Tycoon go missing…the are suddenly all found in China's custody…What is China's defence on this?
I'll focus on a more cheerful story on Wednesday. A 16 year old girl has boarded a boat with a group of older seamen on a voyage to New York to meet a larger group of men, then they'll set off again to Chile for another group of men. No this isn't about the news that billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was accused of holding underage girls captive on his private island in the Caribbean, this was the story that Greta Thunberg was sailing on a solar powered yacht to UN climate change summits.
If you don't know who Greta is yet, where have you been, under a rock? locked away in Hong Kong's airport? Prince Harry's unplanned 3rd child? Greta, a Scandinavian climate activist with autism, will be walking the walk, or sailing the sail…when travelling to the summits, unlike Leonardo DiCaprio, who talks about climate change then goes flying on a private jet around the world. Greta has captivated a large population of the globe, or disc if you believe that, with her ted talks and speeches to World leaders. Her autism makes her see things black and white, meaning that if there's a climate problem, then she will not tip toe around the issue, her words hit hard as they aren't formed to comfort you, they're constructed toward you, which is what the world needs, tough love from a 16 year old girl.
What did Brexit funder Arron Banks have to say about her brave venture and determination for change:
I know what you're all thinking about for Thursday's wind up:
Back to the no-confidence thing, there's a growing sense of apathy to all the Brexit negotiations, a lot of people saying they just want it to be over without caring about what deal we get, as long as we can all stop speaking about Brexit.No need to worry as it will soon be all over, and instead of Brexit, we'll be talking about what potential side affects you may or may not get from chlorinated chicken.
They've only gone and bloody done it, Slipknot have knocked Ed Sheeran off the top spot of the UK album chart with their album 'We Are Not Your Kind'. Pre-teens and middle aged women will be outraged, fans of music that means something will rejoice.
Don't get me wrong, I used to like Ed Sheeran, his first album and questionably the second were actually decent original songs. Back when he used to sing about cocaine addicts on the streets, he actually looked like he was enjoying himself. Then the song 'Sing' came out, and you could tell he sold out, you could see it behind those glasses, eyes which screamed help. Now he's just performing festival sing alongs to please crowds, poppy trash some would call it, by some I mean me, as I haven't done any research to see if anybody agrees. If he could go back to songs that mean something like 'Small bump' about coming to terms with the death of a 4 month old baby, then he could go back to, in my opinion, to being an actual artist, rather than a puppet of his record label.
You feel with Sheeran, there's team of writers around him coming up with lines like :
Saturday gave us closure on whether most of us will die before retirement age. Newsflash. We most likely will. Boris Johnson has revealed plans to increase the age to 75 by 2035, Boris Johnson creating the fun new game of chase the dragon with our lives. In all fairness, the pension bill is currently at £92 billion, meaning that for every £10 spent on welfare, £4 is put towards pensions. Whereas for very £10 I spend, £4 goes mysteriously missing on deliveroo. However the cost of a ballooning aging population is the reality Britain is now dealing with, in other words, we gettin' old.
Nigel Farage's comments about overpopulation are starting to hit home, there's a sentence I thought I'd never write. Although making people work until they are 75 is a little excessive, I'm 26 and I'm getting a bit tired of it all already, can't imagine what it will be like is 50 years. I imagine it's a lot like it is now, but I just get a bit more forgetful and close-minded, so no real difference to where I'm at currently. But it's alright, there's always the lottery, now there's the real fun game of chase the dragon. Speaking of things that I thought will never happen, Wales also became the top ranked team in Rugby Union after beating England. What a cruel way to experience a Saturday.
It's Sunday and you can probably tell that, as I'm becoming more impatient with finishing this, as each day gets less and less information. Jack Letts has been stripped of his British Citizenship on Sunday, you may know him as Jihadi Jack. Jack has learnt Newton's Third Law the hard way that for every action there is an equal opposite, and no matter if he had second thoughts about being there, the fact is he went and joined Isis and fought against his country, of which he was a citizen. You can't exactly scream foul play when those were your actions. When I was 18, I was still learning how much alcohol is too much alcohol, I'm still learning this equation, I certainly wasn't running off and joining a terrorist organisation. I could barely form an opinion about whether you should put your socks on before your underwear, let alone form a political/religious affiliation. His legal representation has gone down the regretful avenue and that he should be trialed in the UK for fair justice. Now I don't doubt that the UK's justice system is some way more legitimate than that of Syria's, but none of that matters to us he's now the responsibility of Canada, as he held dual citizenship. I can only imagine that Canada are a bit surprised that he has now landed on their lap. Britain fast to delegate the responsibility to somebody else before they delegate it to us. Like a game of hot jihadi potato. Jack's statement to make us empathise with his situation was a little confusing for me:
Thanks for reading, if you bothered, I'm now taking suggestions, and ignoring them.
BYE
Monday 12th August
Now in a spell to keep himself relevant he has remarked, with racist undertones, that Prince Harry has lost popularity after marrying Meghan Markle, all based on their decision to only keep to having 2 children in a stance against climate change. He gives Prince Harry the king of backhanded compliments by mentioning that Harry was the most popular royal of a younger generation in 100 years, then going on the insult his wife of just over a year, as well as their brave and sensible decision to only create life to replace themselves on the earth, which would influence the same decision among thousands in the world who look up to the Royals for guidance. I realise the hypocrisy of my views as I am a 3rd child in my immediate family but Nigel, then goes on to discuss something that I actually agree with. Yeah I said it, I agree with Nigel on something:
"We're all completely ignoring the real problem the earth faces, and that is the fact the population of the globe is exploding but no one dares talk about it, no one dares deal with it, and whether Prince Harry has two kids is irrelevant given there are now 2.6 billion Chinese and Indians on this earth"In short climate change doesn't matter if we don't stop population growth, we can start by allowing Nigel Farage to jump off the white cliffs of Dover.
Tuesday 13th August
You remember that colonialism stuff, yeah it reached Hong Kong back in the day. But since giving it back we've actually been a bit more sensible with this one, if you can count any form of colonialism as rational, but only if you're pro-democracy. If you prefer the one-party rule stuff, than ok, bit creepy, but whatever floats your boat, ironically the only way to get out of Hong Kong at this time too. In 1984 Britain agreed with the Chinese that Hong Kong would return to China, how nice of us, however Hong Kong would still be able to keep a high degree of autonomy, with exception to foreign and defence affairs for 50 years, clever of us? In a win-win situation we look like the good guys by taking the population's freedoms into consideration, all the while being able to utilise Hong Kong's manufacturing prowess without having to deal with the People's Republic of China. The People's Republic of China, one of the most ironic names ever to exist.
The protests themselves have been over the slowly declining standards that the locals are seeing, and the meddling Chinese government in Hong Kong. Worth noting people in Hong Kong don't refer to themselves as Chinese, a lot like Cornish people believing they aren't English (see Cornish Independence Movement of 2004). I don't know what they refer to themselves as if not Chinese, Hong Kongolese? Moreover what's Hong Kong's proof of this? 5 Hong Kong anti-Chinese Authors and a Tycoon go missing…the are suddenly all found in China's custody…What is China's defence on this?
"How did these guys get here? Wow, what a curiously suspicious coincidence, that most certainly did not involve us, the great nation of the People's Republic of China, kidnapping them."How did they get there? Well they certainly wouldn't have flown there on Tuesday. It's all a peculiar situation in Hong Kong, but in 28 years it doesn't seem like any of this will matter, maybe because in 2047 the 50 year agreement will come to an end and Hong Kong will be part of China again. That is, of course, unless it is in Western Civilisation's best interests to not let this happen. But with overpopulation, climate change or even nuclear war, maybe we won't be around to see this happen. Cheerful Tuesday.
Wednesday 14th August
If you don't know who Greta is yet, where have you been, under a rock? locked away in Hong Kong's airport? Prince Harry's unplanned 3rd child? Greta, a Scandinavian climate activist with autism, will be walking the walk, or sailing the sail…when travelling to the summits, unlike Leonardo DiCaprio, who talks about climate change then goes flying on a private jet around the world. Greta has captivated a large population of the globe, or disc if you believe that, with her ted talks and speeches to World leaders. Her autism makes her see things black and white, meaning that if there's a climate problem, then she will not tip toe around the issue, her words hit hard as they aren't formed to comfort you, they're constructed toward you, which is what the world needs, tough love from a 16 year old girl.
What did Brexit funder Arron Banks have to say about her brave venture and determination for change:
"Freak yachting accidents do happen in August…"Arron, firstly you spell your own name wrong, secondly who even are you, thirdly did you just wish death upon a 16 year old girl? This 16 year old has done more in the last year for humanity than any of your 'business' endeavours will. A 'man' I may add that is accused of bribing a minister in Lesotho over the diamond mines, information found in the Panama Papers. You remember those papers, in 2016, which gave huge amounts of evidence in the dealings of governments, immoral business people and world leaders that could overturn western civilisation…that were brushed under the carpet weeks later, ending in media man hunt for the man who made this information public. Yet nothing has been done about the people in those papers since. Fascinating. Maybe Greta could move onto that after climate change, she'll need a bigger boat. Preferably some form of naval destroyer.
Thursday 15th August
I know what you're all thinking about for Thursday's wind up:
"Chris! there's a Brussel Sprout, Cauliflower and Broccoli shortage coming to the UK!"I know it's a horrible situation but there's much greater things for me to tackle on Thursday, none more so than Jeremy Corbyn calling for a no-confidence vote to defeat a no-deal Brexit. I'm going to try and remain(Brexit pun) unbiased with political affiliation so here goes...I agree with Jeremy Corbyn. Lib Damned Leader Jo Swinson, remember the mp who supported fracking, has stuck her nose in and said she would not support this. Liberal Democrats, a party who let's not forget aided a conservative Government's austerity measures, while not championing any of the views of their voters for 5 years, has once again stood against the left and the right, giving a 3rd answer in a 2 answer question:
"Deal or no deal?"Essentially she doesn't like Corbyn, because he's the opposition to the opposition(hasn't quite learnt the enemy of my enemy stuff), proclaiming that he doesn't command support. Perhaps she forgot about "youthquake" in 2017 energising the youth voters to partake in the democratic exercise we can an election, that was evoked by Corbyn's left wing campaign. Hey Lib Dumbs, you know youth voters, they're the people who are like you but younger, the ones who supported you in 2010 to not increase university tuition fees, the same ones Nick Clegg had to say "sorry" too in that god awful promotional video, while draining their bank accounts of thousands of pounds for decades to come. I said I'd try to stay un-biased but Lib Dems really are the worst, they're like a dog that farts in the room, then leaves to avoid the blame, only to return like nothing happened, all the while everybody's wrenching, and then demands tummy rubs. Unlike the Lib Dems, the dog will still get tummy rubs.
"Neither."
"Err, Yes or No."
"Fine! I do not want a no to no deal."
Back to the no-confidence thing, there's a growing sense of apathy to all the Brexit negotiations, a lot of people saying they just want it to be over without caring about what deal we get, as long as we can all stop speaking about Brexit.No need to worry as it will soon be all over, and instead of Brexit, we'll be talking about what potential side affects you may or may not get from chlorinated chicken.
Friday 16th August
Don't get me wrong, I used to like Ed Sheeran, his first album and questionably the second were actually decent original songs. Back when he used to sing about cocaine addicts on the streets, he actually looked like he was enjoying himself. Then the song 'Sing' came out, and you could tell he sold out, you could see it behind those glasses, eyes which screamed help. Now he's just performing festival sing alongs to please crowds, poppy trash some would call it, by some I mean me, as I haven't done any research to see if anybody agrees. If he could go back to songs that mean something like 'Small bump' about coming to terms with the death of a 4 month old baby, then he could go back to, in my opinion, to being an actual artist, rather than a puppet of his record label.
"But you can't hate Ed, Chris, he's so nice, relatable and adorably ginger."I don't dispute he's talented, and coming from a guy who only learnt 'Old MacDonald had a farm" on the recorder I wouldn't say I'm the most qualified guy to speak about the endeavours of popular musicians. I don't even listen to Slipknot, much, but at least you can respect that the music they make is solely there's. Who else could come up with endearing lyrics like:
"We're nothing special, just an accidental tweak of the freak. An evolution of the kennel in the fetish you seek. There's still the part of me that's dying in a dumpster. The one who rose is a motherfucking monster."Cute.
You feel with Sheeran, there's team of writers around him coming up with lines like :
"We push and pull like a magnet do, although my heart is falling too, I'm in love with your body"Maybe I just don't like pop, maybe I'm getting older. Well I know that I'm definitely getting older, I know this because I have recently made the transition from BBC Radio 1 to BBC Radio 2 on my way to work, soon I'll be on classic FM, although there are some top bangers on there.
"Said baby, I just wanna dance, my pretty little Galway girl, my, my, my, my, my, Galway Girl."
"sing, oh oh, oh oh, Louder, oh oh, sing, oh oh oh."
Saturday 17th August
Nigel Farage's comments about overpopulation are starting to hit home, there's a sentence I thought I'd never write. Although making people work until they are 75 is a little excessive, I'm 26 and I'm getting a bit tired of it all already, can't imagine what it will be like is 50 years. I imagine it's a lot like it is now, but I just get a bit more forgetful and close-minded, so no real difference to where I'm at currently. But it's alright, there's always the lottery, now there's the real fun game of chase the dragon. Speaking of things that I thought will never happen, Wales also became the top ranked team in Rugby Union after beating England. What a cruel way to experience a Saturday.
Sunday 18th August
"I know I was definitely an enemy of Britain, I thought I was living something behind and going to something better."Jack, you were heading off to Raqqa, not Majorca. You were going to an organisation that used violence to get its point across, you weren't joining the Red Cross to help earthquake survivors. In the words of Ray Charles:
"Hit the road Jack and don't you come back, no more, no more, no more."
Thanks for reading, if you bothered, I'm now taking suggestions, and ignoring them.
BYE
Comments
Post a Comment