Weekly Wind Up - 29th July to 4th August

Hello and welcome to my new blog egotistically named Jehan's Weekly Wind-up, a blog in which every week I look to tackle each day’s top story in a search of a little known substance called Satire. By the end I will hope this will have made you laugh, at the very least will make you go ‘meh, that’s forgettable.’ then we can all move on and agree to not speak of this again. But until then you’ll have to deal with some poorly constructed sentences. 

Monday 29th July

Monday’s biggest story was about the finale of an ITV dating show, which apparently people care about. A couple called Amber and Greg won the show and together won a sum of £25 grand each, because the pursuit of £25k by degrading oneself on public television is apparently appealing to our generation. Well done to Amber and Greg, a pair of names that wouldn’t be out of place in a local Wetherspoons at 9am on a Tuesday morning, you’ve managed to increase your social media influence to hopefully win some ad deals to captivate young, insecure and impressionable teenagers, as well as some unconcerned and lifeless adults. Honestly the worst thing about the show is that everybody knows it’s fake, it’s staged, yet continue to tune in to find out more about these sapless, senseless, simpleminded sack of shits. Am I talking about the contestants or its audience? You decide. Unfortunately for the British public, on the same day Ethiopia smashed one of their climate targets by planting 350 million trees in one day to help combat climate change, but you know Greg and Amber are a solid couple. I genuinely wish them well...on their split in one week’s time. 

Tuesday 30th July

Not much happened on Tuesday so I’m going to concentrate on a tweet by Jeremy Corbyn in response to one made by Virgin owner Richard Branson. Mr Branson wrote,

 "I truly believe that ‘stuff’ really does not bring happiness. Family, friends, good health and the satisfaction that comes from making a positive difference are what really matters.”

To which JC replied with, 

“Perhaps our NHS could have the money back from when you sued it?”

Oh It’s a deep burn. Mr Branson doing his best to repress the working class by making them believe that being rich isn't all it’s made up to be, so there’s no need to try and bring down the 1% of people who own all the money. I can just imagine he wrote this while poolside, sipping a margarita, getting sucked of by the virgin pool boy he employs. The very company name sends chills down my spine, it’s like their saying,

 “you can trust us, we’re virgins, sweet, innocent, untainted.” All I see is “we’re yet to have sex, but fuck me we’re raring to destroy everything that touches us.”

Anyway, it is true, Virgin did sue the NHS when they lost out on an £82 million contract for Surrey, by stating there were serious flaws in the procurement process, which can be translated as throwing ones toys out of the pram, unfortunately its the British taxpayer who is the vengeful parent picking up said toys and placing them bag into Virgin’s deep pocketed pram. Jeremy’s best attempts at a political slam however loses it’s impacted due to fact Rich got one up on him previously with Empty-Seat gate, where Jez was seen to walk past numerous empty seats, then boast that the reason he was sat on the floor was because there weren’t any seats. Corbs you geriatric fuck, go try and find a seat on a train in India, Japan or the London Underground, there are more people than seats in this world, get used to it.

Wednesday 31st July

Wednesday otherwise known as National Avocado Day in the UK saw one of the more positive news stories of the week, whereby supermarkets released figures that plastic bag sales were down by 90% since 2015. Good for the global climate, bad for the asphyxiation porn industry. It’s as if charging extortionate prices for items that contribute to pollution actually stops people buying them. If we could use this equation on other polluting things such as, hiking up petrol prices to deter people driving so much, increasing cost of beef to reduce the cow population, inflating charges of newspapers to stop filling the pockets of that gigantic immoral jackass Rupert Murdoch. Well it’s some good news this week, very rarely does mainstream media give such positive feedback to us, however it certainly feels like we are an employee being appraised and we are currently in the midst of a shit sandwich, oh and here’s the negative filling,

 ‘according to government scientists the amount of plastic in the oceans is set to triple in the next decade.’

... There’s no more positive news, it wasn’t a shit sandwich, more like melted shit on toast.

Thursday 1st August

Thursday the UK was informed that a Dam was collapsing in Whaley-bridge in Derbyshire, and that the RAF would be dropping 400 tonnes of aggregate to conserve the Wall, while engineers try to pump out 300 million gallons out. But even after all this, they still fear that the dam could burst and flood the town. I don’t know about you, but I think this a perfect metaphor for Brexit. If you think about it, no matter how hard we try to maintain our economic dam, the thing will eventually burst leaving our little town swimming in a recession. It’s very sad for the people living in the town, but a small part of me lacks sympathy, mainly because I’m a heartless prick, but also because if you decided to buy a house below a reservoir or dam, you should know that there is a small chance that flooding could occur. Time, though, is running short and a storm approaches, yes this is the news that Boris has attended to assess the situation, he has taken some advice from trump on how to secure funding for building walls. There's also some bad weather coming their way, and now it’s all starting to sound like a story from the bible. Local resident Pete Taylor has taken it upon himself to build an ark for the local animals after getting a sign of Jesus’s face on the back of an empty packet of Lambert and Butler he found outside William hill, so far he’s managed to entice a couple of hedgehogs, a collection of pigeons, and a few stray cats. We’re not holding our breath though as he’s ark is made out of left over paper mâché from the battle of flowers. To the residents of Whaley Bridge I wish you the best of luck with the catastrophe about to ensue, it’s not nice having Boris about.

Friday 2nd August

Keeping on topic of that British biblical bell blight Boris, it has only taken 3 weeks for him to reduce his governments parliamentary majority. A prime minister I might add that only a handful of the British public voted for, lets remind ourselves of what Boris said when Gordon Brown became PM after Tony Blair without a general election. 

“They voted for Anthony Charles Lyndon Blair to serve as their leader. They were at no stage invited to vote on whether gordon brown should be PM… they voted for Tony, and yet they now get gordon, and a transition about as democratically proper as the transition from claudius to Nero. It is a scandal. Why are we all conniving in this stitch up? There is nothing less than a palace coup.. with North Korean servility, the Labour Party has handed power over to the brooding Scottish power maniac.”

I don’t think I actually need to add anything here. But what I will do is update this for Boris, 

“they voted for a hung parliament to serve as their Leader. They were at no stage invited to vote on whether a Conservative/DUP government with Teresa May and then Boris Johnson should be their PM… they didn’t vote for the last two prime ministers, and yet they now get Boris, and a transition about as democratically proper as the transition from Blair to Brown. It is a scandal. Why are we all conniving in this stitch up? This is nothing less than a palace coup… with North Korean servility, the Conservative party has handed power over to the bumbling bullingdon British power maniac.” 

But yes well done to the Lib Dems on winning a by election, they are gathering momentum like genital warts on Donald Trumps scrotum. A liberal party electing a leader that took a £14 thousand bribe from a fracking company. It’s amazing how a party can pick up votes by just existing and without saying much, maybe if Labour and Conservatives kept their heads down, people might actually like them more.

Saturday 3rd August 

Only 2 stories ever find their way across the pond repeatedly from America, if it’s not something racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/islamaphobic that Donald trump says, you can make a decent estimated guess that there has been another shooting. This time a man shot 20 people dead at a mall in El Paso Texas. The phrase,

‘the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun’ was muttered once again. I wouldn’t say I’m a genius but surely a better phrase would be ‘the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun, is to not make guns so easily accessible to the bad guys, or just don’t make them accessible to both good guys and bad guys at all.’ A great (probably not the right word but fuck it I've used it now) fact I saw posted on social media was ‘since the sandy hook shootings in America, more children have been killed by gunfire than American soldiers have since 9/11.’ That's right kids, if you don’t want to be shot, try the army, not only do you get to see the world, but you’ll be less likely to be shot than sitting in maths class. I thought school was tough for British kids, but then again we didn’t have the impending fear that any minute a virgin with daddy issues would walk through our doors and start popping us off one by one. The worst thing we faced was being corrected when we requested if we could go to the toilet and being asked “I don’t know, can you?” I’ve become quite apathetic to US shootings which is awful, but I do feel unconnected with America as I know I would never want to go back there again. The problem with America is that it’s full of Americans, and guns millions of guns.

Sunday 4th August

Seriously America!? Fuck man.

Thanks for reading guys, if you liked it, well done, if you didn’t like it, well done, if you think I’m a prick, get in line, if you think I’m alright, well done. If you have any comments or recommendations I’ll be sure to read them, I’ll probably ignore them, but your welcome too criticise or whatever helps you sleep at night.

Bye.