Jehan's Weekly Wind Up

  “I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” Charlotte Bronte   And just like that he’s out. The obnoxious, unbearable, belligerent, patronising, self-centered, arrogant, callous, inconsiderate, hostile, domineering, deceitful, dogmatic, intolerant, obstinate, tactless, irresponsible, finicky, vulgar, Troglodyte is out of the house. And not just me, Donald Trump too. 20th January 2021, a day of freedom. Donald Trump may have blasted “My Way” by Frank Sinatra as he left the White House, but many other criminals also did things their way too, so don’t start flexing too soon Donald. As a new hope dawns on the USA, it sent ripples of hope across the world, yet a few ripples of hope extended beyond the walls of the Earlswood House too on this day, our Independence Day! Our day’s journey starts where all things must, at the beginning. Today’s the day, the sun is shining, the tank is clean and we are getting out of h…the tank is clean...

“The beginning is the most important part of the work” Plato I’ve always considered myself to be a particularly lazy individual, not lazy in a sense that I don’t do anything, but lazy in a sense of consistency. I know how things can be done and how you go achieving it most the time, but I just get lazy in actually achieving them. I suppose I never learnt to truly be accountable to the most important person in my life, myself. So i’ve decided to get absolutely shredded. Moreover, because I’m terrible at being 100% accountable to myself, I’ve teamed up with an online personal coach. I’ve never been fat/obese, but i’ve also never been the model for perfect healthy living, cue Deliveroo on speed-dial. For those who have read recent blogs, will have noticed my behavioural patterns in ordering KFC. I’ve got quite a slender body type, but I’ve always carried some flab, man tiddies to paraphrase. I’m not insecure about my body at all, in fact self-deprecation is a favoured source of humour f...

“You need to let the little things that would ordinarily bore you suddenly thrill you.” - Andy Warhol I stared at a rug yesterday for a good hour. I marvelled at it’s intricacies, the neutrality of its colours giving it an ability to just melt into the floor without subverting your eyes to it. In the middle of this rug, there is face of a Furby (a childhood toy). It looks quite psychedelic. The way the rug seems to reverberate out from the centre, it’s no wonder I was entranced. It also got me thinking of something I read about the human brain being wired to find faces in things and the power it has over us (“The Idiot Brain” by Dean Burnett for those who wish to read it). I still to this day see faces in things such as cars, it’s no wonder Disney decided to make a film about it, they could have come up with a better title though, rather than ‘Cars’. But it also goes to show why people see faces of Jesus everywhere, in places like toast, wooden boards, moulded fruit. The idea of seei...

We're onto double figures! So Sunday was not fun. All self-inflicted so I am by no means seeking out sympathy, but if you’re willing to give any it will be greatly appreciated. The good news is, Saturday to Sunday morning was probably the best uninterrupted sleep I’ve had all year. Presumably it was more unconsciousness than sleep, but I still enjoyed it more than any other so far. But I won’t drag on about, as I know sleepless night are not specific to me. On the subject of things that may or may not be specific to me, here are a few thing that really grind my gears: 1. People saying they didn't get enough sleep last night. 8 billion people on this planet didn't get enough sleep last night Chris, you’re not special. 2. Charity collectors. Now I don't mean little ol Doris’s collection for the poppy appeal. I mean these guys who look at you and smile a mile before you approach them. First off, do not assume my emotional response to a smile will be a welcoming gesture ...

“Obviously the way I’ve drunk beer has matured in recent years” - Christopher Jehan 16th January 2021 Sunday is the day of rest so this is all you’re getting. It’s not because I’m incredibly hungover. I’m going to round up my weekend in tomorrow’s edition. If you think this is a cop out…then you are absolutely right. Sorry not sorry, I don't have to answer to you.

  “Its Friday Thennnn, Saturday, Sunday! WHAT!  ITS FRIDAY THENNNN! SATURDAY SUNDAY! WHAT!  WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! GO! GO! GO! GO! AHHHHHHH!!!” There will never be Friday in my life where I will not hear this in my head. Just the thought of the word Friday brings the image of Mufasa dancing along side the car in his outrageous pineapple coloured, short sleeved shirt, red shorts, grey school socks and brown loafers. Instant Friday mood. Only Friday mood in quarantine is just daily mood for me, just a constant contentment for existing without having to do anything.  I was trying to think of something to write about today and I saw some notes I made on a previous date. When me and my friends meet up, we tend to talk lot of…well…shit. We have built a strong relationship based on a mutual hatred of each-other. I once accidentally called one of them and immediately hung up after realising my mistake of calling them in the first place, my reaction was to say "why would I wan...

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” -  J. R. R. Tolkien 1 minute, 11 seconds and 37 split seconds. That's how long I managed to hold my breath for. 43. There are 43 spots on my favourite pair of boxers. I learnt that I could fit a whole slice of toast in my mouth at once. I completed my game of Civilisation yesterday, after well over 20 odd hours of gameplay. The anticlimax was similar to looking forward to a McFlurry at McDonalds, only to be told the machine is broken…which happens a lot. Oh sorry Guerns, McDonalds is this place you go to get Big Macs, McNuggs and Diabetes, all in record fast time. UK Friends and Family, imagine a place where crime is relatively low, a place that has a strong community spirit, a place that has some of the most beautiful and accessible scenery. Sounds a little like Utopia right?…now imagine that place doesn’t have KFC, Nandos, not even a god damn Greggs. No wonder the average life span here is so high, nobody’s ...

“Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Insane, idiotic and incompetent UK Traveller with a receding hairline gets a write up about how insane, idiotic, incompetent and slowly balding he is.”   I’m clearly joking, my hairline isn’t receding…don’t look at me like that, it isn’t.  So yesterday, the very considerate Matthew Leach got in touch with me about my blogs. Matt is a Senior Reporter from the Baliwick Express, a local news media outlet for local people(slightly obscure League of Gentlemen reference). Matt asked if I would like to be interviewed for a feature on the website about Self-Isolation from the victim’s (is that what I call myself?) point of view. Being the attention seeking and verification craving individual I am, I jumped at the chance. We arranged an interview for the afternoon, which gave me chance to finally be able to book one of our household meeting rooms, I felt all fancy. So I booked Meeting Room 3, affectionately known as the Laundry Room outside of office...